Man and Woman

Now when she’s burnin’ I’m a chill for a minute
‘Cause ain’t no lovin’ good enough to get burned while I’m up in it. The Chronic

It’s no secret that when it comes to dating, I got issues. I mean I’ve got standards and expectations, and that’s more than I can say about (some of) the men I meet.

Over the summer I got reacquainted with three men that I met online a few years ago, but never in person. One is a pervert, one is a victim, and the other is “very average.” I hadn’t talked to these guys in awhile, so when they reached out to me via IM, I replied.

That was my first mistake.

The first couple of IMs were the typical, hey, how have you been, and I’ve been thinking about you sort of stuff. But, that eventually “progressed,” if you will, to talking on the phone, which quickly reminded me of why I no longer talk to any of these men: too much talk about sex, which is a HUGE turnoff for me. I mean, come on, is it too much to ask that 40- and 50-year-old men have their sexual prowess issues worked out and have conversation beyond, “What you got on”?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude. I can roll with the best of them. But, like my grandmother always said, there’s a time and a place for everything. And after reading about these women on Oprah’s website this morning, I’m wondering when is the time and the place to have the talk about HIV, AIDs, STDs, pregnancy prevention or going to the clinic? Is it before or after we have sex?

Not only didn’t any of these men disclose their sexual history (or present), but none of them asked about mine. And I know that I’m not alone here. As I make my rounds on social networking sites, and see men claiming that they were “set up” by women who got pregnant, and women getting pregnant and don’t know who the father is, it shows me that there are plenty of people who are not doing their homework.

Several years ago I was in Atlanta with my boyfriend. We were on the tram going to our terminals, when he spotted a Delta plane. In a very matter-of-fact kind of way, he said, “Oh, I used to date a woman who worked for Delta. Yeah, she was a flight attendant, and she gave me a STD. I never had any symptoms, but my wife did. And I know it was her, because when she took her panties off, she had a green discharge…”

“And you slept with her anyway”?

“Yeah…”

I was beyond sick. Not because of what he’d said, but because I’d had unprotected sex with him. And why did I have unprotected sex with him? Because I was being stupid and irresponsible–PERIOD! Let’s just call it what it is. I’m not about to sit here and tell you that I didn’t know that I could get a STD or HIV from having unprotected sex, because I did. Now, did he pressure me into having sex? No. Was I raped? No. I was just flat out STUPID!

I got a battery of tests done when I got back home, and they all came back negative. Thank God. After that, I wised up. I’m not willing to travel down that road again. If any man wants to talk about having sex with me, he’d better start the conversation with what day are you available to go to the clinic? Otherwise, he will find himself on my DNA list with all of the other ones.

As for that boyfriend, he had to go. And it wasn’t so much that his past was a problem, but his present. He was too irresponsible in too many ways for me, especially when it came to sex. When I talked to him years later, he was still spreading love all over the world. He boasted that he had gotten several women pregnant, and that doesn’t happen when you show up like grown folks, and have the talk before you have sex.

So, tell me folks, when do YOU have the talk?

Related posts:
1. How Do I Talk to My Son About Sex?
2. Talking to Our Daughters About Sex: Who’s Teaching and Who’s Learning? 3. Sunday Soul Food: Sex Should Feel Good