Single Mom…and so much more!

Out of adversity comes greatness.

Lisa Maria Carroll at 34

If you had the chance to send a letter to your younger self, what moment would you choose and why?

This past weekend I had the honor of doing such a self-reflection, on a panel with three other fascinating women, at this year’s CYOC conference. I wrote to my 34-year-old self about overcoming adversity.

My ex-husband, who had been absent from my children’s lives for almost five years, had just ridden in on his white horse and served me with Change of Custody papers, three months shy of my oldest daughter’s 18th birthday. He was seeking “guideline” child support from me after not paying for years.

At the same time, my children accused me of keeping them from him for all those years. And a sister, who was paroled out to me after serving time for arson after setting a house on fire with my 1-year-old daughter inside, gave the police the initial statement that set the ball in motion.

At first I was tempted to just pay him the money to make him go away, because I was tired of being seen as the angry Black woman when I fought back. But, then I realized that this wasn’t the first time I’d been betrayed on this level by someone I’d tried to help. It was time to stop trying to have the good-girl image, worrying about what others thought about me, and start fighting back.

Lisa,

You’re tempted to be a victim now and make this all about you. But not so fast, girlfriend. No one has taken advantage of you; you’ve allowed yourself to be taken advantage of. You’re asking why does it seem like the people who you help the most pay you back by betraying you? Well, that’s an easy answer. They know your heart. It’s a cycle you’ve allowed because you fight too hard to hold on to toxic relationships. And, unfortunately, with each betrayal, you crawl a little farther back into your proverbial shell instead of fighting back.

You’ve always had a gift to motivate and encourage others. But, you’ve allowed yourself to be silenced because you want everyone to be as happy for your successes and accomplishments as you are. That will never happen. And your so-called support system isn’t offering much support these days. And you’re tired of being seen as the angry Black woman when you challenge the system or dare to dream.

You want to start a single mom support group and write an online column. But, you no longer know who you are apart from your kids. You pour yourself into them thinking their success will vindicate you not living up to yours. So, instead of walking in your own light, you walk in their shadows. Now, motherhood is looking more like a life sentence than the blessing it’s supposed to be.

Lisa, don’t concern yourself with the things that are going on in your life right now, for everything is going to work out for your good. It’s all part of a bigger plan. This storm is watering a seed that was planted in you years ago, a ministry and a book to empower single mothers. But you must come out of the darkness, because it needs light to grow.

You want a platform, but you can’t even handle a few critics. Remember when Joseph’s brothers threw him in the pit or when Job’s family and friends turned their backs on him? What about when David slew Goliath, a giant, with five smooth stones? Or when Oprah’s sister sold her out to the National Enquirer? You don’t admire them because they were victims. You admire how they rose against adversity to become great.

Those stories are providing the sustenance you need to keep from faltering right now. They’re giving hope for the way this chapter in your life is going to end. And someone needs to hear yours.

In the meantime, loosen the grip others have on you by getting back in the driver’s seat of your life. Stop anesthetizing yourself with more education and promotions at work in an effort to avoid your greatest fear, and that is success defined on your terms. Lisa, birds don’t go to bird school to learn how to fly. You already have the skills you need to succeed.

And, learn how to let go. In time you’ll realize there’s nothing about those relationships you miss. In five years you’ll see a man rise against adversity to become the first African-American president-elect. His critics and opponents will turn into his supporters. Like Obama, the people who are scandalizing your name today will come around and offer support. But, that vindication will be bittersweet because you won’t have the I-told-you-so moment you so desperately seek. Instead, your validation will come from knowing you had the courage to come completely out of your shell and deal with your adversaries, instead of always letting them deal with you.

Sincerely,

Lisa at 40

The opportunity to be transparent and offer full disclosure was empowering. I get aggravated when people reach a degree of success, but won’t share their journey. They get super spiritual, or they give you the adulterated version of how they got there.

I need the real deal, so that’s what I tried to give. I wanted to write something that would resonate with at least one person in the audience. As Maya Angelou once said, “If I don’t tell the truth, I haven’t helped anybody.”

Related posts: A letter to my younger self, part 2: Try doing self-help